Jean sat at her kitchen table, teacup in hand, amazed. It was an unfamiliar sensation, but a pleasant one. Her mind wandered back to the events of the morning.
Her eight-year-old son Bryan had begun the day with his usual waking-up shenanigans. He sulked and pouted his way to the breakfast table, announcing, “I’m not going to school—and no one’s going to make me!”
Normally Jean would have either tried to talk Bryan into attending school, or blown up at him in frustration. However, this morning was different. Jean simply said, “You’re right, Honey. No one can make you go to school. That has to be something you choose to do. However, if you don’t choose to go to school, you are choosing to stay in your room all day with no TV. But that’s something you’ll have to decide for yourself, like you did last week.”
Bryan hesitated in his tantrum. He was thinking about when Mom had made him stay in his room and miss dinner when he had refused to set the table. Finally, he said, “Well, I’ll go—but I don’t have to like it!”
“Absolutely,” Jean agreed. “You don’t have to like a lot of things like school. But I’m sure you’ve made the right choice.” She helped Bryan on with his jacket and watched him walk to the carpool ride outside.
Not ten minutes later, Jean had received a call from her husband, Jerry, who had driven to work early. “Honey,” he said. “I just found out I have a meeting after work. The last time I showed up late for dinner, there wasn’t any. Think you could save some this time?”
Jean laughed. “Last time, you never called me to let me know. I really appreciate your telling me in advance. I’ll feed the kids, and you and I’ll eat together later.”
My son makes it to school, even with a cranky attitude. My husband calls me to inform me about schedule changes. I’m dreaming, aren’t I, Lord?
Jean wasn’t dreaming. She was, for the first time in her life, experiencing the rewards of setting and maintaining clear boundaries in her life. A great deal of hard work and risk-taking had gone into them. But it was worth it. She rose up from the table and began to ready herself for work.
Jean saw visible, demonstrable proof that her boundary work was bearing fruit in her life. Things were different. But how did she get from Point A (boundarylessness) to Point B (mature boundaries)? Can we measure our boundary development?
Yes. Specific, orderly changes herald the emerging of mature boundaries. It’s helpful to be aware of them. The following eleven steps allow you to measure your growth—to see where you are in your development. Use this chapter as a guide to the next step in your growth.
Randy had never before felt irritated at his best friend Will’s sarcastic digs. Resentment was a new sensation for him. Being the butt of the jokes had always been easy for him. “Good-natured Randy” could roll with the punches.
But when Will came up to him at church and said in front of several observers, “Are you buying smaller clothes—or putting on weight?” Randy didn’t laugh it off. He said nothing to his friend, but the remark stuck inside him. He was embarrassed and hurt. He couldn’t shake it off as he had for so many years.
This never got to me before, Randy thought to himself. Why is it getting to me this time? Maybe I’m getting too sensitive.
One of the first signs that you’re beginning to develop boundaries is a sense of resentment, frustration, or anger at the subtle and not-so-subtle violations in your life. Just as radar signals the approach of a foreign missile, your anger can alert you to boundary violations in your life.
Randy had come from a family who largely avoided conflict and disagreement. Arguments were replaced by compliance. When Randy was in his thirties, he sought therapy for a long-standing eating disorder. To his surprise, instead of discussing diet and exercise plans, the therapist had asked him about how he reacted to controlling people in his life.
At first, Randy couldn’t think of a controlling person. But after some consideration, he thought of Will. Will teasing Randy. Will humiliating Randy in front of friends. Will taking Randy for granted. Will taking advantage of Randy.
Those memories were not simply intellectual pictures in Randy’s mind. They carried hurt, anger, and resentment. They were the seeds of boundaries in Randy’s life.
People who can’t get angry when they are being violated, manipulated, or controlled have a genuine handicap. No “warning light” alerts them to boundary problems. This light, when functioning properly, should turn on quickly when you are being attacked. The Bible describes anger in terms of heat: “Then the LORD’s anger burned against Moses” (Exod. 4:14); “Therefore the LORD’s anger burned against this land” (Deut. 29:27). Anger is like a fire that shoots up within your heart, letting you know there’s a problem to confront.
Our inability to get angry is generally a sign that we are afraid of the separateness that comes with telling the truth. We fear that saying the truth about our unhappiness with someone will damage the relationship. But when we acknowledge that truth is always our friend, we often give ourselves permission to be angry.
So before you say anything confrontive, even before you set that first boundary, examine your heart. Ask yourself, “Do I have permission to feel angry when I’m controlled by others? Am I aware when I’m being violated? Can I hear my early-warning signal?” If so, you’re on the right track. If not, this is a good time to work on finding a safe place to tell the truth. As you are better able to be honest about differences and disagreements, you will be better able to allow your anger to help you.
It had been a full twelve months since Tammy and Scott had changed churches. They were reflecting back on the last year.
They had attended their former church since their marriage several years ago. It was a doctrinally correct and active fellowship. But one problem that didn’t go away was the church members’ attitude toward attendance at church functions. They placed a great premium on being present at each and every gathering, from choir specials to night-time services to weekly Bible studies.
When Scott and Tammy had to miss meetings, conflicts arose. They recalled the night old friends from out-of-town came to visit them. Tammy had called Janice, her Bible study leader, to tell her they’d be missing that evening’s meeting.
“I think there’s a problem in commitment here, Tammy,” Janice had replied. “If we really meant something to you, you’d be here. But you just go and do what you have to do.”
Tammy was furious—and hurt. Janice had shamed her for wanting to have a night off with her friends. It was this inability of her group to understand the word no that subsequently fueled the couple’s move to another church.
Now, a year later, she and Scott were pleased with their decision. Though their present fellowship was also conservative and active, stressing lots of involvement, they didn’t become critical or judgmental when members needed time off for some reason or another.
“How’s this for a contrast?” Scott said to Tammy. “I called Mark, our men’s prayer breakfast leader yesterday—I’d just flown in on a red-eye flight from L.A. I told him I’d be shot if I went to the breakfast. What do you think he told me? ‘What are you doing on the phone with me?’ he said. ‘Get yourself in bed and catch some Z’s!’ That sort of understanding makes me want to be there next time.”
At one time both Scott and Tammy thought their first church’s attitude was correct. They weren’t even aware that others could understand their no. Now, a year later, they couldn’t conceive of returning to that situation.
People with immature limit-setting abilities often find themselves involved with “boundary-busters.” These may be family members, colleagues, spouses, church members, or friends. The boundary confusion seems normal to them—so they aren’t very aware of the destruction it causes for themselves and others.
As boundary-injured individuals begin developing their own boundaries, however, a change occurs. They become attracted to people who can hear their no without being critical. Without getting hurt. Without personalizing it. Without running over their boundaries in a manipulative or controlling fashion. People who will simply say, “Okay—we’ll miss you. See you next time.”
The reason for this shift is hidden in the way we have been constructed by God. We were created free for one basic purpose: to love, to be meaningfully close to God and to others: “And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Col. 3:14). This fundamental truth underscores the deepest parts of our hearts. And when we find relationships in which we have freedom to set limits, something wonderful happens. In addition to the freedom to say no, we find the freedom to say a wholehearted, unconflicted, gratitude-driven yes to others. We become attracted to boundary lovers, because in them, we find permission to be honest, authentic, loving individuals.
To a boundary-injured person, people who can say a clear no sometimes seem curt and cold. But as the boundaries become more firm, curt and cold people change into caring, refreshingly honest people.
We need to join with boundary lovers in deep, meaningful attachments. Boundaries can’t develop in a vacuum. As we make connections involving asking for support and understanding with these people, God gives us, through them, the grace and power to do the hard work of limit setting. This drawing to boundaried individuals extends to God. Some people will begin finding out that the holy, just God about whom they read in the Old Testament isn’t so bad or scary. He just has very clear boundaries: “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts” (Isa. 55:9).
As we find our tastes changing, from boundary-muddied relationships to more clearly defined people, we begin developing close and meaningful connections with people who have clear boundaries. We begin either growing in boundaries in our present relationships, or finding new attachments in which to invest, or both. This is a crucial phase in boundary development.
Why is it so important to join the boundaried family? Mainly because as with any spiritual discipline, boundaries can’t be worked on in a vacuum. We need others with the same biblical values of limit setting and responsibility to encourage us, practice with us, and stay with us. That’s what Wayne discovered.
Wayne couldn’t believe the change. Over the past few months, he’d become aware of his lack of boundaries at work. While other employees went home on time, he was frequently asked to stay later. He wanted to stand up to his boss and let him know that his work limits were going to become tighter and more realistic. But every time he approached his superior, his anxiety kept him tongue-tied and silent.
Wayne despaired of ever developing mature work boundaries. About this time, he joined a support group at church. His relationships in the group deepened, and he began to trust the members. Finally, he was able to emotionally “take them with him” to work the day he sat down with his boss and worked out the overtime conflict. It was the safety and support of the group that gave Wayne the strength he needed to tell the truth at work.
Jesus defined fellowship as two or three people gathered in his name, saying that he would be there in their midst (Matt. 18:20). It is this very combination of his Spirit and the emotional memories of those who believe in us that helps us keep firm boundaries. Why? Because we know we have a spiritual and emotional home somewhere. No matter how caustic the criticism, or how severe the rejection of the one we’re in conflict with, we aren’t alone. And that makes all the difference in the world in boundary setting.
After you feel safe being around people who believe that grace and truth are good (John 1:17), your values will start to change. You will begin to see that taking responsibility for yourself is healthy, and you will begin to understand that taking responsibility for other adults is destructive.
When people are treated as objects for long enough, they see themselves as someone else’s property. They don’t value self-stewardship because they relate to themselves the same way that significant others have related to them. Many people are told over and over again that nurturing and maintaining their souls is selfish and wrong. After a while, they develop a deep conviction that this is true. And at that point, they place little value on taking care of the feelings, talents, thoughts, attitudes, behavior, body, and resources God entrusted to them.
This principle is taught in Scripture: “We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19). In other words, we learn to be loving because we are loved. Grace must come from the outside for us to be able to develop it inside. The opposite side of this truth is that we can’t love when we aren’t loved. And, taking the thinking further, we can’t value or treasure our souls when they haven’t been valued or treasured.
This is a key principle. Our basic sense of ourselves, of what is real and true about us, comes from our significant, primary relationships. That’s why many people who were unloved in childhood can be inundated by caring people in their adult years, yet not be able to shake a deep sense of being worthless and unloveable, no matter how much people try to show them their loveability.
Helen’s father sexually abused her in her early years. She was terribly traumatized by the molestation, but tried to keep the secret and protect the family from being upset. By her teenage years, however, Helen inadvertently began to “tell the truth” about her family problem, in nonverbal ways. She became sexually promiscuous at a very early age.
As an adult, Helen reflected in therapy on her tumultuous teen years. “I can’t even remember the boys’ faces. All I knew was that someone wanted something from me, and I felt it was my duty to give it to them—for no other reason than that they wanted it! I felt that I had no say-so in the matter.”
Helen had not been treasured by one of the people who should have treasured and cherished her most. As a result, she did not treasure herself. She provided sexual services to just about anyone who requested them. She had no sense that her body and feelings were a “pearl of great value” (Matt. 13:46), given to her by God, which she was to protect and develop.
When Christians begin to value getting well, recovering, and developing themselves into the image of God (all of which are different ways of saying the same thing), a shift occurs. They begin desiring a return on God’s investment (remember the parable of the talents in Matthew 25:14–30). Taking care of themselves becomes important.
Steve walked up to me excitedly one day. As he wasn’t given to emotional outbursts, I knew something important was going on. He showed me his Bible, where he had been reading 1 Corinthians 8:11: “So this weak brother, for whom Christ died, is destroyed by your knowledge.”
“Something is happening inside of me,” he said. “For years, I felt guilty about reading that passage. I thought it was condemning me for leading weaker Christians into sin.”
“Well, it does say that,” I replied. “But you’ve noticed something else.”
“I have,” said Steve. “I’m seeing that I’m also a ‘brother for whom Christ died.’ That means I need to be as careful and concerned about myself as I am about others. There’s no difference between what God thinks of him and what God thinks of me.”
Steve had realized an important theological point. For years, Christians have been taught that protecting their spiritual and emotional property is selfish. Yet God is interested in people loving others, and you can’t love others unless you have received love inside yourself.
Have you had Steve’s experience? Is getting help and learning self-protection and biblical boundaries important to you? If it isn’t, it will be difficult, if not impossible, to go through the hard work of developing good limits. You may need to spend some time around people who have a mature understanding of healthy boundaries and learn from their modeling.
This principle is illustrated when the psalmist says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Prov. 4:23). When we “watch over” our hearts (the home of our treasures), we guard them. We are to value our treasures so much that we keep them protected. Whatever we don’t value, we don’t guard. The security around a bank is significantly tighter than that around a junkyard!
Begin a list of your “treasures”: your time, money, feelings, and beliefs. How do you want others to treat them? How do you want others to not treat them?
The group was silent. After many sessions of considering the prospect, Shareen was about to set a limit with another group member for the first time in her life. Praying silently, the group waited to see if she could become a truthteller.
I had asked Shareen to mention to a group member one thing that had rubbed her the wrong way in the past few sessions. Though she was terrified, she agreed to try. At first she said nothing, obviously gathering up courage. Then, slowly, she turned to a woman sitting next to her and said, “Carolyn, I don’t know how to say this, but here goes. It bothers me when you always take the good chair at group.” Quickly, she ducked her head, waiting for the rebuttal.
There was none, at least not what Shareen had expected.
“I’ve been waiting for you to say something,” Carolyn explained. “I knew you were acting distant toward me, but I didn’t know why. It helps to know, and I feel closer to you now. You took a risk to confront me. Who knows—I may even arm wrestle you for the chair!”
Does this sound trivial? It isn’t. Given her family background of a mother who made her feel guilty for setting limits and a father who had rage attacks when she dared disagree, Shareen was taking a genuine plunge. For her, boundaries were out of the question until her anxiety and depression wrenched her life out of control. That’s why the best possible place for Shareen to begin her boundary work was in her therapy group.
Growth in setting emotional boundaries must always be at a rate that takes into account your past injuries. Otherwise, you could fail massively before you have solid enough boundaries.
“This boundary teaching doesn’t work,” complained Frank in a therapy session.
“Why not?” I asked.
“Well, as soon as I understood that I don’t set good limits with people, I called my father the same day and gave him what for. Can you believe what he did? He hung up on me! This is great, just great. Boundaries have made things worse for me, instead of better.”
Frank is like the overeager child who is too impatient for training wheels on his new bicycle. It’s only several falls and skinned knees later that he begins to entertain the possibility that he skipped some steps in his training.
Here’s an idea to help you navigate this step. Ask your support group or your good friends if you could work on boundaries with them. They will show you their true value in their response to your truthtelling. Either they’ll warmly cheer you on in being able to disagree with and confront them, or they’ll resist you. Either way, you’ll learn something. A good supportive relationship cherishes the no of all parties involved. The members know that true intimacy is only built around the freedom to disagree: “He who conceals his hatred has lying lips” (Prov. 10:18). Begin practicing your no with people who will honor it and love you for it.
As strange as it may seem, a sign that you’re becoming a boundaried person is often a sense of self-condemnation, a sense that you’ve transgressed some important rules in your limit setting. Many people experience intense critical self-judgment when they begin telling the truth about what is and isn’t their biblical responsibility. Why is that? Let’s look at the answer in terms of slavery and freedom.
Boundary-injured individuals are slaves. They struggle to make value-based decisions on their own, but they most often reflect the wishes of those around them. And even though they can be surrounded by supportive boundary lovers, they still experience trouble setting limits.
The culprit here is a weak conscience, or an overactive and unbiblically harsh internal judge. Though we need our internal “evaluator” to help us know right from wrong, many people carry around an extremely self-critical—and inaccurate—conscience. They feel that they are transgressing when they aren’t.
Because of this overactive judge, the boundary-injured individual often has great difficulty setting limits. Questions such as, “Aren’t you being too harsh?” and “How can you not attend the party? What a selfish thought!” are raised.
You can imagine the havoc when the struggler actually sets a limit or two, even a small one. The conscience moves into overdrive, as its unrealistic demands are being disobeyed. This rebellion against honest boundaries is a threat to the parental control of the conscience. It attacks the soul with vigor, hoping to beat the person into submitting again to its untruthful do’s and don’ts.
In a funny way, then, activating the hostile conscience is a sign of spiritual growth. A signal that you may be protesting unbiblical restraints. If the conscience were silent and providing no “how could you?” guilt-inducing messages, it might mean that you were remaining enslaved to the internal parent. That’s why we encourage you to rejoice in the guilt. It means you are moving ahead.
Think for a minute about this question: Who is your number-one “boundary buster”? Who is the foremost person in your life with whom it’s difficult to set limits? More than one person may come to mind. This step deals with those extremely complicated, conflictual, frightening relationships. Straightening out these relationships is a major goal in becoming a boundaried person.
The fact that this is the seventh, and not the second, step underscores the importance of making sure we’ve done our painstaking homework and practice before now. Setting important limits with signficant people is the fruit of much work and maturing.
It’s important not to confuse our goals here. Often, Christians who have been boundary injured think that the objective is to set limits on those important areas, and get life stabilized again. They may be living for the day when “I can tell Mom no.” Or when “I can set limits on my husband’s drinking.” While these sorts of confrontations are very important (Jesus spoke of them in Matthew 18:15–20), they aren’t the ultimate target of learning boundaries.
Our real target is maturity—the ability to love successfully and work successfully, the way God does. This is the goal of becoming more like Christ:
Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when he appears, we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is. (1 John 3:2)
Boundary setting is a large part of maturing. We can’t really love until we have boundaries—otherwise we love out of compliance or guilt. And we can’t really be productive at work without boundaries; otherwise we’re so busy following others’ agendas that we’re doubleminded and unstable (James 1:8). The goal is to have a character structure that has boundaries and that can set limits on self and others at the appropriate times. Having internal boundaries results in having boundaries in the world: “For as he thinks within himself, so he is” (Prov. 23:7 NASB).
Developing a well-defined, honest, and goal-oriented character structure produces this step. By this time, those frightening major no’s have been prepared for over time, with lots of work and practice.
Sometimes the large no will precipitate a crisis. Someone important to you will be angry. Or hurt. Or abusive. The truth will expose the divisions in relationships. The conflicts and disagreements already exist. Boundaries simply bring them out to the surface.
Prayerfully make a list of your significant relationships. Now add to that what specific treasures are being violated in these relationships. What specific boundaries need to be set to protect these treasures?
Step #6 involved understanding that your first steps into a boundaried existence will most likely be met by the harsh resistance of an overactive and weak conscience. With consistent work and good support, however, the guilt diminishes. We become more able to “keep hold of the deep truths of the faith with a clear conscience” (1 Tim. 3:9).
You can take this step now that you have shifted allegiance spiritually and emotionally. You have changed from listening to your internal parent to responding to the biblical values of love, responsibility, and forgiveness. And these values have been internalized in the heart by many, many relational experiences with people who understand these values. The heart has somewhere to go for self-evaluation besides a critical conscience. The heart rests in the emotional memories of loving, truthful people.
Evelyn knew something was different inside when she confronted her husband on his critical tirades. “That’s it, Paul,” she said, without raising her voice. “If you’re not using a civil voice with me in ten seconds, I’ll be spending the evening at my friend Nan’s house. Make your choice, because I’m not bluffing.”
Paul, ready to launch another verbal attack, closed his mouth. He, too, sensed that Evelyn was serious this time. He sat down on the couch and waited for her next move.
What surprised Evelyn was the absence of her self-recriminations after setting limits. Usually, she would say toherself, “You didn’t give Paul enough chances,” or, “You’ve just got to stop being so thin-skinned,” or “But he works hard and he’s good with the kids.”
Her group had worked. Her practicing had paid off. And her conscience had begun growing up.
A client once asked me, “Is there any way I can set boundaries with my wife—but not have her set limits with me?” Though I admired his candor, the answer, obviously, was no. If we expect others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs for several reasons.
Loving others’ boundaries confronts our selfishness and omnipotence. When we are concerned about protecting the treasures of others, we work against the self-centeredness that is part of our fallen nature. We become more other-centered.
Loving others’ boundaries increases our capacity to care about others. It isn’t difficult to love the agreeable aspects of others. It’s another story, however, when we encounter another’s resistance, confrontation, or separateness. We may find ourselves in conflict, or not getting something we might want from the other.
When we can love and respect the boundaries of others, we accomplish two things. First, we genuinely care for another person because we gain nothing by helping someone tell us no. It just helps him or her deprive us better!
The second advantage in loving others’ boundaries is that it teaches us empathy. It shows us that we need to treat others as we would like to be treated: “The entire law is summed up in a single command: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’ ” (Gal. 5:14). We should fight for the no of others just as we should fight for our own no—even if it costs us something.
“I love you, Peter,” said Sylvia to her boyfriend as they sat over dinner. It was an important moment. Peter had just proposed marriage to Sylvia. And she was attracted to him; they seemed to be compatible in so many ways. There was only one problem: they had only been dating a few weeks. Peter’s impulsive proposal was pushing it a little for Sylvia’s tastes.
“And though I love you,” she continued, “I need more time for us to be together before we get engaged. So, because I can’t say yes to you, I’m saying no.”
Sylvia shows the fruit of maturing boundaries. She wasn’t sure, so she said no. People with undeveloped limit-setting abilities do the opposite. They say yes when they are unsure. Then, when they have committed themselves to someone else’s schedule, they realize that they don’t want to be in that particular situation anymore. But, by then, it’s too late.
I worked as a house parent in a children’s home for a time. In our training for the job of living in the same cottage with several active adolescents, one experienced professional told us, “There are two ways you can start off with kids: first, you can say yes to everything. Then, when you start putting limits on them, they’ll resent you and rebel. Or you can begin with clear and strict limits. After they get used to your style, you can loosen up a little. They’ll love you forever.”
Obviously, the second method worked better. Not only did it clarify my boundaries for the kids, it taught me to free up my own no. This principle is at the heart of this yardstick: our no becomes as free as our yes. In other words, when you are as free to say no to a request as you are to say yes, you are well on the way to boundary maturity. There’s no conflict, no second thoughts, no hesitation in using either word.
Think for a second about the last time you were asked for something from someone. Perhaps it was for some of your time that you weren’t sure you had to give. Suppose the person asking is not selfish, manipulative, or controlling. Reasonable people can make reasonable requests sometimes.
So you were asked for something you weren’t sure you had left over to give. You weren’t sure you could do it with a “cheerful heart” (2 Cor. 9:7). What happened next is what this particular boundary yardstick is all about. You probably did one of two things:
Which is the more mature of these? In most cases, the second. Why? Because it is more responsible to give out of our resources than to promise that which we might not be able to deliver. Jesus said that we are to “calculate the cost” of our endeavors.
Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Will he not first sit down and estimate the cost to see if he has enough money to complete it? For if he lays the foundation and is not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule him. (Luke 14:28–30)
Boundary-injured individuals make promises and then do one of two things: (1) They resentfully make good, or (2) they fail on the promise. Boundary-developed people, however, make good freely and gladly. Or they don’t promise at all.
Following up on guilt-ridden or compliant responsibilities can be quite costly, painful, and inconvenient. The lesson you need to learn is not to promise too much before you have done your spiritual and emotional calculations.
Ben placed his pen down on the desk and looked over at his wife, Jan, satisfied. They had just spent a day together reviewing the last year and planning for the next one. This annual tradition had been developed over the past several years. It was a way for them to feel that their lives had some direction, some purpose.
Before they had begun setting goals together, life had been chaotic. Ben had been controlling and impulsive. They hadn’t been able to save much money because of his spending habits. Though she was good with money, Jan had been compliant and nonconfrontive. So the more Ben spent, the more she withdrew and busied herself outside the house in volunteer missions.
Finally, after a great deal boundary work with a marriage therapist, Jan began setting limits on Ben’s out-of-control behavior. She became more honest, less blaming, and much less resentful. Ben, in his turn, began developing more of a sense of responsibility toward the family. He even felt more tender toward his wife—even after she nailed him to the wall several times about his irresponsibility!
Ben smiled. “Honey,” he said to her, “this last year has been a one-hundred-eighty degree change from the one before. We saved some money. We achieved some financial goals. We’re more honest with each other. We like each other better. And you’re not running off helping every committee in town who needs a volunteer!”
Jan responded, “Well, I don’t need to anymore. I’ve got what I want here, with you, the kids, our church support group, and the ministries we work in. Tell you what. Let’s plan what we want to do—with ourselves, with the Lord, with our money, and with our friends—and make next year even better!”
Ben and Jan were reaping the fruit of years of work. Their maturing boundary-setting abilities were paying off in all sorts of ways. After all, the ultimate goal of learning boundaries is to free us up to protect, nurture, and develop the lives God has given us stewardship over. Setting boundaries is mature, proactive, initiative-taking. It’s being in control of our lives.
Individuals with mature boundaries aren’t frantic, in a hurry, or out of control. They have a direction in their lives, a steady moving toward their personal goals. They plan ahead.
The reward for their wise boundaries is the joy of desires fulfilled in life. Their investments in the years God has given pay off for them. It’s a lot like Paul reflected at the end of his life:
The time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. (2 Tim. 4:6–7)
But does life interrupt the process of the person with mature boundaries? Won’t there be trials, complications, and people wanting me on their track and not God’s? Absolutely. The days truly are evil. There will be all sorts of resistances to our boundaries and goals.
But the person with mature limits understands that, makes room for that, allows for that. And he or she knows that, should it be needed, a no is waiting inside the heart—ready to use. Not for an attack. Not to punish another. But to protect and develop the time, talents, and treasures that God has allocated to us during our threescore and ten years on this planet (Ps. 90:10).